Filling out a self love diary, is not my cup of tea....if I drank tea instead coffee. I have been beyond insane lately, a hundred memories have gone by that I have not written about. I was in Big Bear for a while, with one of the greatest girls I have ever had the pleasure to know. I've lost and gained friends, I've realized that I seriously have many guy friends. And of course the holiday madness.
But mostly I have learned how extremely socially awkward I am.
I really really am!
Even the boy I am in love with was posted as awkward, which is in fact, fantastic.
I do not completely care about this because I am usually in situations in which I don't need to be social. My two best friends allow me to hide from the world without repercussion or needing to get out. I love them. I love them beyond any doubt, seriously without them I am not positive I could have lived this year.
And that is a hard thing to admit, extremely.
It's amazing, truly that I can admit that I think about self destruction and homicide at least once a day. I am recently learning that this isn't normal. I had this misguided vision that it was and that people just pretended to be happy about things. But I was misguided, some people ARE truly happy and I am the one who pretends that they aren't.
And whether those people are happy putting others down or only caring about themselves or being pretentious prissy assholes, they are still happy. Who am I to judge them? If I don't want to be judged then I shouldn't hate on anyone else's happy, no matter how they find it.
But I am getting off subject, my happiness is slowly coming, and strangely I've been feeling (mainly due to holiday trauma) that I am back in high school. Where I am dealing with my emotions, with ideas floating about life and who I should be, it's all there except without the shitty buildings and boring classes. Oh and the forceful lime lights at time.
"high school counts for jack shit" (Tate, swoons) and that's the truth, but that weird hierarchy that all the school specials complain about, is real and when you leave school it goes from a hierarchy to these weird overlapping ven-diagram groups in which a few stragglers like to dip their toes in other circles and let everyone assume that they are well rounded... they aren't, not really. They are just people with hobbies and interests.
And those circles have smaller circles in them that have the same effect. Do not listen to what people tell you, those circles matter, and you have to remember them in order to survive. Individually they don't count, they are just an afterthought, but in the big picture when your going to clubs or work or social activities, they do. Remember this: peoples interests and their hobbies, minor things that you remember about the circles that they are in, will make them happier than shit.
I've learned this through, well, through testing but in a bigger part through people doing it to me. I love when people remember things that I've told them about myself. My happiness has been stemming from the people closest to me remembering me, as well as my own realization that they have always remembered me, and that is part of the reason I love them so much.
They remember me, and sometimes that's all I've ever needed.
